I started reading The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence for research purposes, but then I got so engrossed in Rachel Simmon’s message that I started recommending the book to all my friends who have girls. To the moms themselves, too, because this book has a powerful message about girls' (and women's) potential and the unachievable goal of being "good." I got interested in the book because I see parents of girls (I am one) coping with subversive relational tactics between girls. According to Simmons, it starts in early childhood.
You know that mean girl behavior we associate with middle school? Those tactics can start as early as preschool. In fact, I recently read a study showing that girls as young as age 3 not only understand “relationally aggressive” tactics, but they associate them with being a girl. Yikes. No wonder our elementary school teachers are tearing their hair out.
Relational aggression is that behavior that attacks relationships. It’s the gossip, the eye-rolling, the rumors, the “he said,” “she said” stuff. Simmons says it stems from our culture sending messages to girls at a very early age that it’s important to play “nice." Girls grow up equating self-esteem with being Good--modest, polite, and selfless. She believes this message sends girls’ challenging emotions, deemed unacceptable, underground, and they come out sideways in indirect ways because conflict is bad, unladylike. Recognize anyone?
But it’s not that girls are relational bullies. That’s too simple, and it’s always bothered me that we are so quick to label girls who use these tactics as mean. Sure, teen girls can be mean in highly creative ways--I've heard the methods--but why? Where does it start?
Ask yourself if you've told your daughter not to say anything if she can't say something nice. Girls need help with being direct. They need help labeling uncomfortable emotions. They don’t need the message that they’re mean or impolite or girls shouldn't say such things (really, this message is alive and well). Simmons' book is not about relational aggression, per se (that's her first one, Odd Girl Out), but she does show how girls' communication strategies play a role. Her larger message is about girls' lost potential, and a compelling one it is. With case studies and research, Good Girl shows how the tendencies to subvert the self to be Good can affect educational choices, ability to hear feedback from a coach, choices in relationships, and confidence in the workplace. Simmons also shows us how to reverse the trend at the individual level, right down to sample conversations.
Have a girl? The book is aimed at middle school parents, but elementary parents benefit too. This is a great summer read to get you ready for next fall’s classroom.